J2, Supernatural

Welcome to the madhouse.

Funny how, when new things happens in your life, you never know beforehand where they might lead you, and what they will bring to you, or how they will change you. Truth is, the way I happened to start watching Supernatural was, back then, something I’d qualify as pretty random. It was there, I was in need of something to numb the world around me, and it had enough material to quiet it down for quite a while. There, deal. It was the single most normal thing I could do.

And I had no idea about how it would change, well, everything. How could have I even suspected it ? I’ve been a fan of TV shows for twenty-something years now, and the process of starting to love a show was so very usual for me. Maybe I expected Supernatural to fall in line with those other shows. You know, it’s cool, I want the DVD’s and maybe I’ll buy a couple of books. That, I could fathom. It was a possibility, and a fairly honest one too. Supernatural was pretty much made for me, as so many themes of the show are just hitting the right spot. Monsters, ghosts, demons, and a horror movie vibe ? Bring it on, baby. Textbook me. So, yeah, I’d probably like it.

Maybe I’d even love it.

And that, my friends, was my first mistake. And the biggest one.

Supernatural should come with a warning. And not a light one. A big, neon-bright warning with flashing lights that requires a signature, a blood sample and your bank account number before you’re even allowed to access the first season.

Dear friend, your existence is about to get twisted upside down, your whole world is about to change, and in about, what, three days, you are going to question how you even lived this long without having this gem of a show around. Oh, and you are going to ugly cry the volume of a small lake every three episodes, your emotions are about to get all over the place, you are going to be psychologically tortured in every single way and you will ask, no, you will BEG for more. Say goodbye to your life as you knew it, because it’s probably gone already. 

I wish someone would have warned me. Not that it would have changed anything, but, you know…Just to get an idea about what I was about to be put through.

Oh, you know, not much. You are going to fall in love with the brothers so, so hard, they are going to become your absolute favorite characters in the history of television, and a part of your life so vivid and important they’re going to become a family, and you are going to see them go through hell (literally, hahaha) and suffer unbearable losses and pains and get tortured time and time again and make choices (not always the good ones, btw) and DIE several times over, and it’s going to hurt like a bitch every damn time, and you are going to be given magical new characters AND YOU ARE GOING TO LOSE THEM ALL and you know what ? You are going to love this so much (and your weekly budget of tissue boxes is going blow a hole on your bank statement) and you are going to fall in love all over again episode after episode after episode. Oh, and you’re about to get the greatest gift a TV-show fan could possibly get : you’re going to bond your soul forever with one of the brothers, and love endlessly the other one regardless.

 

When I started that blog, my main objective was to keep track of the way I was falling in love with Supernatural. Back then, everything was so big and so strong and so magical, I could only consider that it was gonna slow down…Because that’s the natural order. You discover the thing, the thing do you some good, then the thing become normal, and if you’re lucky, the thing will sometimes shine a little brighter and it will make you so happy. That’s how things works.

Supernatural is the fucking sun. Once it starts shining for you, you’re done. Darkness is gone forever.

It. Does. Not. Slow. Down.

It. Does. Not. Stop.

It. Does. Not. Even. Take. A. Goddamn. Break.

It’s there, it’s everywhere, and it’s only going to get bigger and deeper and ridiculously good, and it’s making your whole world go round on a different axis. And it’s making it better. So, so, so much better.

Within seven days, I went on an Amazon spree that put my credit card into a coma.

Within ten days, a growing pile of DVD’s was blossoming, right next to an even bigger pile of books.

Within fifteen days, I was already so consumed by the Winchester’s light that I went through twelve hours of what is considered as one of the worst pain to inflict a human being without losing my mind.

Twelve. Hours.

Within twenty days , the walls of the living room were being entirely re-decorated. Please take into account that they’ve been in the nude for seven years. Half would be reserved for The Walking Dead, despite the fact that the show’s importance and hegemony was rapidly declining. It took ten more days to actually get rid of anything non-Winchester. As we speak, I’m being watched over by 51 Sam, 49 Dean, a dozen of Castiel and five Crowley.

Within the first month, and while we were barely reaching the 10th season, I’ve received in the mail my very first iPhone case. Ever. I’ve never had one I actually picked and chose. My current case is a still from the season 5 finale, and every time I look at it, I can literally feel the influx of love I have for this show running through my veins. It’s physical. And so much bigger than me.

Late august, we started to fall into Creation’s beautiful, beautiful net, and Sundays became a million times funnier and happier than they’ve ever been. I’ve always thought that Stephen was the king of all things conventions, I was so wrong. They’re called Ackles and Padalecki, and I already owe them some of the purest of my laughs in a long, long time. Creation pretty much taught me what it was to fall in love head first for the both of them, and I could never, ever suspect that those two were going to add another touch of extraordinary to something that was already anything but ordinary.

In early September, I’ve reached the finale of the 12th season. It took us six weeks, almost to the day, to watch the monster that this show is, from the first episode, to the 264th. For the first time of my entire life, I love each and every single one of all the episodes of a show. There’s literally nothing to throw away. I’ve found what could possibly be the equivalent of a soulmate in episode form. Nothing, and when I say nothing, I mean not a damn thing, has, can, or will ever come close to how perfect this show is. Supernatural is an absolute masterpiece, one that’s massively underrated because of the genre and it’s nothing but a cosmic injustice. This sucks. Because the actors are all, without a single exception, so much better than anything I could possibly dream of, and don’t even get me started on my two amazing, beyond gifted, fabulous lead. They’re not good, they’re perfect. Jared has the literal capacity to play nearly ten versions of Sam, all divergents and yet all perfectly connected, and he is so ridiculously good at it he even looks different from one version to another. And as for Jensen, never, ever has an actor had this capacity to destroy me out of the blue while showing Dean’s emotions. The lack of recognition from the major awards is a travesty, and proving how out of touch they are with what IS talent. I feel so, so grateful for even getting the chance to experience something so good and so amazing. Six weeks was all it took to pick up the pieces of me scattered around, and to glue them back together, and to fix most of what was going so wrong with me. Oh, and the minute we reached the end of season 12’s finale (and holy hell, what an episode), we immediately started a second rewatch, meaning that we watched back to back 1223 and 101. And guess what ? The magic didn’t fade. Actually, it’s even bigger and better and deeper the second time. But on top of all of those things that are so beautiful they’re barely believable, Supernatural gave me something, someone that I didn’t even knew I missed, but who’s become the most important character of my entire life, and the one I can’t believe I’ve lived so long without. I did fall in love with characters in the past, but this never got much further than a few shared emotions, and a couple of mirroring situations. But this one…This one just soothe my soul and comfort me in so much of my own struggles and my own battles, sometimes, it’s just plain scary to feel so connected and so bonded with someone who hunts monsters for a living.

Supernatural gave me Sam Winchester, and this is the kind of gifts you just can’t repay.

A week later, as I was reading Family Don’t End With Blood, the most essential book I’ve ever read, a collection of essays from fans and actors on how Supernatural changed their lives, I’ve been hit by another two strikes of magic, and keep in mind that at this point of the story, I was already so overwhelmed with hundreds of feelings and millions of emotions I didn’t knew I could even take more. Oh, I did. First by feeling accepted as I am for the first time of my entire life, and understanding that rather than a liability, being a fan is an asset. A power. A superpower.

Then, as I was barely recovering from the constant flow of emotions this book generates, I suddenly noticed that maybe, just maybe, Sam Winchester wasn’t the most amazing thing that could happen to me. Jared was. And he is, and he is going to remain there for a long, long time, that I can assure. He wrote the most beautiful, personal, heartbreaking and heartwarming all at once essay, and his words hit me just the right way to actually fix me. Very few things are as powerful as feeling almost brutally wrecked by his words, quite simply because it was the closest anyone has ever reached to understand the depth of my own pain, and the consequences on my own life, and it was coming from someone whose work, and ultimately, alter-ego, mattered so much for me already. He just connected all the dots, and helped me connect mine. The last couple of dozens pages of this book are, and by far, the most important I have ever read. He helped me figure out a lot of things that neither therapy, nor drugs could highlight, and I am filled with gratitude.

All in all, Supernatural is the one thing that saved my life when I was desperate for anything to even try to. The further I go, the bigger it gets, and I don’t even feel like I’m humanly capable to take it all in. It is so much, and it is so good.

Another week later, my best friend woke me up with the most insane of all news : after twelve years, Creation was crossing the pond and Birmingham would welcome the very first European official Supernatural convention in early May. I was already dizzy with joy when she confirmed to me who the first two announced guests were. Jensen. Jared. I shook my head in disbelief, probably looked like I’ve been hit by a truck for a couple of hours before the news settled in. My plans for 2018, namely Walker Stalker in march and Heroes and Villains in may were already swaying, and I wasn’t complaining. I was high on love, impatience and joy.

A curious collection of Funko Pop characters are slowly invading the flat, and most of our mugs now proudly announce that this home has been struck by the Supernatural lightening. 2018’s calendar, once supposed to be The Walking Dead, is theirs, and it only make sense, because my 2018 is theirs too. We’ve counted down the days until the season 13 premiere, and celebrated each new week as one that would send us closer to it. We’ve watched the trailer dozens of times, read every spoiler and welcomed them all with a smile, and a sigh of pure bliss tainted with impatience. Supernatural can’t disappoint me, simply because I am not in love with a concept, or a story, I am in love with the core of this show. Whatever direction they will go in, I will proudly and happily follow. I’m the definition of blind faith.

And the craziest thing was yet to come.

On September 28th, at 10.58 am, I’ve clicked on a little green button. I was shaking so much, I can’t actually believe I didn’t miss it.

At 10.59 am, I’ve received a mail, and my bank account was severed of a whole, consequent chunk of money. And nothing could make me happier. I’ve never been materialistic at all, I would rather buy experiences than objects.

And I’ve bought myself the experience of a lifetime.

Same time, next year, I’ll be in Paris airport. To take a nine-hours flight. To go to Vancouver. To meet the idjits who turned my miserable life into the most gigantic, insane, amazing, colorful and overall happy mess. Birmingham will be amazing, but this one is nothing short of a dream. I’m done waiting for them to come true. And I’m done apologizing for what I am, and for how I do things. There are a few people I am in urgent need to thank, for, basically, making my life a beautiful place back again…And there’s one miracle worker I am both terrified and overjoyed to meet.

This is the biggest thing I’ll ever do, and the craziest, and the happiest, and I’ve been on a high ever since. I thought I would regret jumping off such a high cliff, but there is nothing in there that’s not fueled with positivity and happiness and joy and the empowering feeling of living things to the fullest, rather than waiting for them to pass. I’ve never been so alive before, and I’ve never understood the beauty in believing in something so much it’s shaping me up in the form of who I want to be rather than who this world forced me to.

And this is coming from a TV show.

A simple, magical, otherworldly TV show.

The Winchesters are saving far more lives than they will ever understand, and there lies the most absurdly beautiful power of it all.

 

Weirdly enough, a few days ago, as Entertainment Weekly was celebrating the 13th season’s premiere, a few amazing videos were posted, of my beloved brothers and their amazing angel, or rather, Jared, Jensen and Misha, and among those, one about what they’d say to people who are about to watch Supernatural for the first time. Hitting close to home much…?

Understatement of the year, Jared. It’s not hard, it’s impossible. But why would anyone want to get away from this madhouse ? As far as happy places goes, this one’s the happiest.

 

J2, Supernatural

A story about family, an Impala, and how jumpstarting the apocalypse saved my life.

There’s a theory that I love about miracles.

And if you think about it, it’s not so much of a theory as it is a truth.

You’re always one step away from it. From getting closer, and closer, and closer, and eventually, there. At any given time. And if you don’t make that step, you’ll never reach it. Or approach it.

All it takes is one step.

In January 2017, I stopped believing in this. And therefore, I stopped trying. Actually, I stopped, period.

Little did I knew that I was, actually, less than a step from mine. I was one click away from it.

And sometimes…Miracles comes in the form of two brothers and an Impala.


I have always been the weird kid. The freak. I’ve always felt like I was walking on a slightly different road than anyone else was, and it didn’t exactly change as I grew up. Actually, if anything, it became more palatable. I wasn’t interested in becoming what I had been taught to look up to, and I started expressing it in a certain number of ways. The weird kid became a strange teenager, and the strange teenager grew up to be an abnormal adult. And we live in a world that just doesn’t like abnormalities of any kinds. I just wish our currency was happiness rather than normality. I was happy.

Then I became normal.

And I stopped being happy.

I’m a traveller. A writer. An obsessive Muse fan. A passionate Arrowhead. A fascinated The Walking Dead watcher. Gigs and conventions are part of the beating heart of my world. TV shows and books are my safe place. I love things immensely, regardless to the wounds it will open or create. Everything is an inspiration. Everywhere has potential to be something, and when I fall, I fall hard and wholeheartedly. And I don’t give a flying fuck about what normal people make out of me.

Until I did. And until it slowly erased who I was to become who they wanted me to be. To become them. To delete the inconvenience I was in their strictly routined existence. To suppress the rolling eyes and the urge to call me crazy. To fit their mold and break mine permanently.

I wasn’t born to be normal. I was born to be me.

And it nearly killed me.

Seven months ago, all my head was full of were ideas of taking the easy way out. And I fought those ideas once before, so, I knew I wasn’t armed enough this time to win. So I stalled. I tried and I failed and I was in a world of pain because nothing was making any sense anymore. I was so close to give up.

I was about to.

And then…Then I wasn’t anymore.

I’ll never know how what I actually did that day happened. If stars were correctly aligned, or if something just pushed me the right way. I’ve searched, but so far, came empty. I don’t know. I have no clues. All I have are hints. Friends blowing the wind my way. Possibilities of possibilities. And a gigantic “what if…” glowing from afar, pushing me to make one simple choice that would change everything.

A leap of faith, if you must. Not even that big a leap, actually.

July 27th. All I wanted was to find some place to just lay my head to rest and stop thinking. Fill it with stories and pray so that they wake something up in me, a trace of emotion, a glimpse of who I was.

Something.

Anything.

All it took was one click on a suggested shows on Netflix. I didn’t made anything out of that click. It was the simplest thing in the world. Something no one notices anymore because it’s part of who we are and how we live.

Just.

One.

Click.

Aaaaaand that’s when things started to get really, really, majestically off the fucking rails. And that’s all I wasn’t even strong enough to hope for.

One. Click.

I landed in the middle of the most batshit, fucked up, beautifully crafted universe ruled over by the two most amazing fictional characters in the history of television…And possibly the best two actors in the history of acting.

Falling in love with a work of fiction is such a strange process.

I was so numb I didn’t even realized that something was actually happening. I was knee-deep into a Netflix binge-watching, it was feeding me episode after episode, and cutting it short or shutting it down started to pain me physically pretty quickly. Soon enough, worrying about the Winchesters (…Not that anything they might do would warrant any kind of worry whatsoever) (spoiler alert : they jumpstarted the fucking apocalypse, those idiots) (twice) chased away my own worries and debunked all my fears and cancelled all of my anxieties. And by “soon enough”, I mean within hours. By the end of the first season, I was in love. And not in love, like, oh cool, I like this. Naaaaah. I was “let’s order all the seasons on amazon and take a dive into the merchandise and I want to get their pretty faces on my walls” in love.

Falling in love with something would have been of a great help, back then. Probably not worth being called a miracle, though. And miracle is the only word that just sounds fair to me. This is not about falling in love.

Hell no.

A whooole other thing happened, there. Falling in love with Supernatural is, actually, relatively easy. It has everything worth loving : the best writers, the best showrunners, the best crew, the best directors, the best (and prettiest…AS IF I WASN’T GOING TO MENTION IT) actors, a dense and deep mythology worth biting your nails off every three episodes, and a magical brain, a heart beating so loud it’s deafening, and the most beautiful soul a show could possibly get. So, yeah, easy.

Even for me…Before I became the protagonist of what would turn out to be a (super fucked up but thoroughly enjoyable) fairy tale, I was pretty much the villain. Plot twist, eh ? Not even…Let’s say, a couple of years ago, and because I had been force-fed for almost a decade the wrong idea of what Supernatural is, this show was my arch-nemesis. The one thing I’d lash out on, and on various, wildly unfair and totally moronic occasions. Oh, I have been a bitch. But some people, upon seeing the wrong thing in the show, had been spreading something that harmed it in more than one way. Instead of the absolute, stunning masterpiece I’d stumble upon years later, I deemed it too silly and light for me. A sub-par fangirl territory. Getting gifs of the Winchesters about every-fucking-where didn’t help.

It lasted…Hmmm…Oh, a good five-six years. Maybe more. Maybe less. I’m not one to hide behind my mistakes. I own it and make up for it once I’ve measured up how wrong I was. And I’ll never not own this one, because so far, it’s probably one of the biggest I’ve made. One of the most obvious, too.

Then I fell in love with Arrow, watched Stephen’s friendship with Jared and Jensen blossoming nicely over my twitter timelines (laughed my socks off when they trashed Arrow’s set), and decided to follow them both.

First step.

It took two years to make the second one. Time to settle down a few things, become a massive Arrow fan, an even bigger The Walking Dead one, and change a lot. Still, the chances of me getting to even watch Supernatural weren’t looking up, at all. For one massive, huge, and reasonable reason. Eleven, then twelve seasons. Of 22-something, then 23-something episodes. That’s about 260 episodes. Who the hell goes willingly on a binge this humongous ??? (emphasis on “willingly”)

So…The unlikeliness of the situation make everything bigger, better, faster and far, far more lifesaving than anything I could have dreamt of. Anything.

At the beginning of the second season, I was game for anything, and I was already convinced I was onto something. Something big.

Boy, I couldn’t have been further away from what would actually happen.

Because that’s when, instead of just going off the rails, things went majestically off it.

 

In early august, as I was starting the second season, I was also starting to show worrying signs of something that was physically wrong with me, and yet all the fear that should have come with it got suddenly blocked. If it wasn’t for the pain that went with it, I was starting to feel a lot, lot more alive than I had been in forever. The hidden truth in this is that loving something, anything, and letting go of everything else to indulge that love is a power that is evidently the strongest one. If it took them days to remind me of who I was, it took them less than two weeks to breathe so much life into me that my dark skies were suddenly lit and high in colors, and before I even noticed it, I was armed with far more than I could possibly dream of to actually beat whatever was eating me alive. Not temporarily halt it. Actually beat it. All the steps backwards taken this year became steps forwards back again, and the deal was to grab two for one lost. All of my creativity, gone down the drain, came back stronger than it ever was, and where there was a great ball of nothing before, ideas and dreams and projects were now pulsating with passion. It wasn’t a makeover at all, it was more of the initial steps of an actual rebuilding of everything that had been destroyed over the past few years. And they didn’t exactly waited for me to help. They did that on their own, regardless to how big of an idiot I might been in the past, and so far, the result is so fucking spectacular.

A month. It took me a month to watch ten seasons. I’m not even sure that this doesn’t qualify for a world record, or something. And that month was nothing but perfect, despite three emergency calls to the on-call GPs, two painful antibiotics treatments to derail a vicious infection and one day in the ER with the least capable of all nurses who had to try four different places on my arm to place a fucking I.V line (and left there a bruise the size of Texas). And none of those things got me to freak out or to lose my incredible new grip on the world. None. Had it been any other time, I would have lost my goddamn mind, twice over. That’s when I started to look at things a little differently, and that’s when I knew that this time, I was up for something different.

How wrong was I.

It doesn’t even begin to cover it. It’s not different, it’s otherworldly. And I mean it with all of my heart.

When I fell in love with Arrow, what spoke to me right away was the main character. Same with The Walking Dead. To this day, they both remains my favorite ones, from each show. Then those characters will meet and confront and fight and argue and love and like and play or not with other characters. Some you’ll love, some you’ll hate, some you’ll find bloody useless (HELL-O ISABEL ROCHEV)…

Supernatural took me by surprise from the get going, because right away, you don’t get one character to love, but two, and two you’ll be unable to disassociate from, say, the second episode on. Possibly the end of the pilot. Granted, there’s X-Files…But I dare you to find a tenth of Jared and Jensen’s chemistry in Gillian and David. A twentieth. Don’t even try, because long story short : you won’t. I’ve seen my fair share of shows, old and new, short and long, streamed and on networks, in a various array of languages, and there is nothing that can beat the relation between the two brothers. Nothing that can even pretend it would at least challenge them. It’d be like trying to dig a hole in a concrete wall with a plastic spoon. You’re just going to look pretty stupid and waste everyone’s time.

There’s no doubt about how good the writing actually is. That’s what makes the canon so dense and complicated and fascinating to navigate. And the directors are really, really doing one hell of a job, same for the technical side of the thing. It’s visually creative, sometimes even downright daring, and it’s smart, fun, and deeply rooted in the most fertile and imaginative mythology I’ve seen in decades. To cap it all, it’s a show that’s not afraid of big, major emotions, and one that has an heart that beats so loud. No point in taking away all of those major things, or to try to make them smaller or less important than they actually are.

But, clearly, had they cast anyone but Jared and Jensen, they would probably have had a dead horse on their hands very, very quickly. That’s where lies the actual core of my miracle. That’s what makes the whole thing incredibly…Alive. And real. The monster that has become Supernatural, and its glorious ongoing longevity in a world packed with dozens of shows that won’t get to see past the first season is completely carried on both their shoulders, and they’re doing that with such grace it’s mind blowing. Anything I had experienced and felt and seen with some of my top shows is miles and miles away from that. That’s taking what could have been a great experience into THE greatest one. I found myself falling in love with Sam and Dean at the exact same pace I was falling in love with Jared and Jensen, and the whole thing became so strong and so overwhelming so quickly, I had to take evenings off (…And eventually failed miserably and gave in at some point of the night) to just take a breath and settle down whatever was going on inside of my own mind. I wasn’t spared anything. Every single kind of emotion humanly known was felt a hundred of times each, and I’ve taken everything in as if through an echo chamber : bigger and bigger and bigger each season. I have cried actual rivers, feared dehydration about every two days (basically upon reaching mid-season finale and the feared finale), emptied 200-tissues boxes every half-weeks, and I have loved every. Single. Second. Actually, I begged for more, despite my obvious liquid state. And they made us go through everything : every single loss you could possibly imagine, we’ve endured them, and some of them a few times over. I have been angry, mad, disappointed, I have felt every single shade of fear, from minor concern to actual terror and all the hundreds scales in between, I have experienced all kinds of worries, and felt my own heart break a hundred times over. And nothing I could either foresee or guess : state of actual shock every damn time something remotely important happened to them. But if I had to pick the biggest of all emotions, the one I’ve never ceased to felt even once, despite everything they did (and boy, did they screw up A LOT) and everything they even said to each other, the one that kept on growing way, way beyond what I actually thought was my own limits and that keeps on growing nowadays, twice bigger each day than the day before, and doesn’t look anytime about to slow down…The one feeling that is so strong it is everywhere around me at all time is how much I am loving this show, and how deeply, deeply in love I am with the Winchesters and their actors. It even got to the point of becoming scary, because for someone who was supposedly broken, I sure as hell got hit hard in the face by those two and it fixed me in ways I couldn’t possibly imagine. Oh I am scarred for life, that’s for sure. But with those scars came the most amazing recovery from the darkest times, and I’m going to cherish them forever. The best of help came from the one place I wouldn’t have looked for, and I’ll never stop feeling grateful something crashed my course and deviated it in the right way, even if I don’t precisely know what.

I’m unable to pick a favorite episode. Ask me for the other two important shows of my life, and I’ll blindly go for 309 for Arrow and 106 for The Walking Dead, without even having to think of it. There, I can’t. It’s not like there might be five or six…We’re in the low hundreds. And I can’t pick a season either. I have welcomed each and every character with a growling worry that it might take me away from the brothers, and learnt to love every single one of them (ASIDE FROM RUBY. FUCK YOU RUBY), even the sickest, most twisted assholes they could possibly create. I haven’t rejected even half a character, and everything just worked so well. It’s like going for the biggest puzzle in the history of humanity and every new character is so perfectly cast and written, it’s just fitting the bigger picture the best possible way. It’s not even far-fetched to assume that some of those, I actually love more than Rick and Oliver altogether. And when they got me confused over some episodes (early season 6, I am SO looking at you), the reason why I was confused in the first place turned the whole thing into a borderline genius trait.

The bond I have felt right away with Sam and Dean is shaping up to be unbreakable, and it’s rooted through hardship : theirs, and mine, closely intertwined in the most incredible way. The cathartic power of this show is beyond insane, and going through this massive, violently bumpy, highly addictive journey has proved itself to be the most effective way to keep my head out of the water and push me toward the shore, rather than down the storm. Walls have been decorated, iphone cases have been changed, piles of DVD boxsets have started to form the happiest Pisa tower we’ve ever seen (despite the fact that it’s precarious state made it fall right on my face a few times, no concussion so far, thanks), and everywhere I can lay my eyes on, I’ll eventually end up on the Winchesters, or so very close. A tiny part of my brain freaked out for a few days, unable to process the fact that I basically went from the state of mortal enemy straight to lover one, and it’s still so very bizarre to feel my heart jumping anytime any cast member posts on twitter or instagram, let alone J2. Everything has changed.

I was lucky enough to have a new, and an already a very close friend to accompany me step by step through this (insaaaaaaaaane*) amazing (but insaaaaaane**), emotional (completely insaaaaaaane***) and beautiful (and insaaaaaane****) journey and with whom we can spend hours to debate everything and feed each other’s love for the show, the characters, and the actors. And it’s like the second you start digging into the mythology, you find something so massive it’s going to warrant mails of 6000 words.

Up until today…Well, up until a few days ago, I was quite the passive fan. I love some show entirely, but it never really got me into digging the canon, or write fanfiction (not the slash type, actual, canon-rooted one). Well, it’s a bit of lie, since there’s one that’s in current edition, born out of frustration after last year’s Flash/Supergirl musical crossover. But that’s it. Not that I don’t want it…I just don’t need it. Usually, I just follow wherever the writers and actors are taking me, and I’m not one of those annoying complainers that could have done soooo much better than anything you’d throw at them. I’m just happy building my own universes and characters and enjoying other people’s. I could never have guessed that digging into the canon of anything could be SUCH a thrill.

You got it : head first into Supernatural’s. We’re actually trying to answer a question Sam’s actor asked a while back about one major side of his character (Jared, what have you done there…) and we understood pretty quickly that to answer that question in the most thorough and fact-based manner, it’d take a rewatch of the whole thing at least twice. At least. And as I’m already so in love with the show, I wouldn’t dare trying to answer that any other way. And it makes my heart beats faster and my brain works in ways it hasn’t been able to pull through with for a long, long time, and on the overall…Whatever was going so wrong not even two months ago is such a distant memory, I can’t even know how and why I fell so low. This is not only completely unexpected, it’s…Borderline crazy. I keep the imprint of how darker and darker everything went for a long while, but I can’t even remember not feeling this sudden influx of life. I don’t know how it felt. And I know it was there, and I know it was hard, and I know the fight’s been unfair and bloody…But it’s as if, given this…Thing ? And the power it’s having on me has pretty much wrapped this chapter of my life into an ugly cardboard, and threw it in a dark, forgotten corner of my own brain. I don’t know how they did it…But it certainly works better than any of the drugs we tried. A billion times better. Probably even more.

As I reached the latest season, I’ve discovered that it is, actually, possible, to love every single season of a 12-seasons show, and that it’s even possible to love every single episode from the pilot up to last season’s finale (aside from 920. Fuck you 920), which was a complete surprise, because in 20+ years of loving TV shows, I had been confronted by countless disappointments, growing frustration, and even gave up on some I loved dearly. But there…I don’t have even an inch of doubt about the future, because they pretty much set up the magical formula from the first episode on and never deviated from it (aside from 920. Fuck you 920) : as long as Sam and Dean and the Impala are the center of the show, you can throw anything at my face, from the most catastrophic to the most insane, I’m game. I’m game for everything. I don’t worry about the current spoilers for the forthcoming season like I do for the 25+ other shows I watch, I’m just excited and impatient (and counting down the days, hours and minutes as we speak) and every glimpse we get at the new season is nothing but pure bliss. I’m slowly transitioning from the late to the party watcher to a fully-fledged, taking it all in, convention-going fan, and it’s the most thrilling, uplifting experience I have ever had the chance to live.

We’re going to hit the two months anniversary in a few days. Eight weeks next Thursday. It’s been both insanely quick and so powerful it does feel like it’s been a lot, lot longer. I’ve changed so much over the past 50 days. I can’t even explain how or why and it’s going to take a whole lot of articles over here to actually figure it out even so slightly, but there is one bond, one link that’s already stronger than any other newly knitted ties with every characters and every actors, and, actually, it’s already stronger than any other connection I have ever felt with any of my heroes and any of the people I love and admire so deeply.

Sam Winchester.

By extension, Jared, too. Actually, I don’t really know which one fuels the other one, now that I come to think of it. Which is both weird and totally normal, in this very case. I mean, technically, the actor gives life to the character. It’s the way it works, the way it always has and always will.

I’m the first in line to take a stand and underline how amazing Jensen is. And he is so good. He gave the show some of its best scenes, scenes that were making my head spin with emotion, in their rawest, purest form. Three comes to mind, as I write : a heartbreaking, begging cry for help at the end of the 5th season, a conversation with god that just echoed throughout everything I’ve ever thought about religion, ever, at the end of the 11th, and taking a stand for Sam confronting his absent mother in the penultimate episode of the 12th season. Those three scenes only are the factual, palatable proof that Jensen Ackles is one of the best actors this world has ever had. And by far.

But what is happening with Jared is both the same thing, because he’s THAT good, and completely different all at once, and it’s making my head hurts when I’m trying to gather each and every single time he just wrecked me, and every time I’ve been hit by what happens to this character I already love more than any other one from any other show put together. Sam’s life is so close to mine (monsters aside, I mean) in so many ways, and the differences between him and me are actually making me see some situations in a whole new way, and it’s probably adding layers to the constant work-in-progress that I am. I don’t think I’ve ever been this influenced by a character ever before. And I get it, the writing is essential, but it takes a lot to go from acting a few lines to actually giving life to a character. And Jared hits the right note every. single. time. His portrayal of addiction ? Spot on. Of struggling to find his own way and to build a future the way he intends rather than the way that was paved for him ? Devastatingly accurate. Of choosing the hardest path, and the one that leads to sacrifice to protect the ones he loves ? Simply stunning. And I could go on for hours, and will end up at the same conclusion exactly. Being moved by an actor and by a character is a question of alchemy and precision, and one smile too far or one tear short will just mess it up. It takes nothing to make it fail. And through 12 seasons, Jared never missed, not once, to hit the right emotion at the right time. Not. Once. Not even close to.

I’m in love with Sam. And I’m probably in love with Jared too. And with Dean, and Jensen, and Castiel, and Misha, and Crowley, and Mark…You name them, I fell in love with all of them.

I fell in love a lot of times, over the past eight weeks.

 

But most of all, Supernatural made me fall in love with life all over again. Being and staying alive in order to be able to live all those things never looked like a gift quite as much as it does now. It takes quite a fight, at times, but I have been reminded that it’s worth it. 

One step. It’s all it took. One click. 

 

 

 

 

*name any other show where a character died a hundred times over. Go ahead. I’ll wait.

**angels wearing trench coats and unable to get anything beyond first degree

***the king of hell is addicted to human blood

****talking with dogs is a thing